Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
