Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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