shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
