Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
