im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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