I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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