Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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