Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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