it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize