Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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