I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
