Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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