I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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