Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
