he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize