Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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