Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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