that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
