So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
