i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
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Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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