i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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