what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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