Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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