You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
