how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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