i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
