I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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