Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
