Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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