Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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