hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
