Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
