Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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