Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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