After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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