every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
