Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
MIDGETS
????
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
