he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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