I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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