He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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