you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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