I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
