I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
they're like a gay fantastic four
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
