There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
