i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
