im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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