i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
