Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
