I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
