omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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