Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I understand Curling. That high.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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