Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
