just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Randomize
