I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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