Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
