so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
