Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
