I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
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This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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