Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
