the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
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This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.